joel /Feb. 19. 1986. NYC – by pd lyons (still rough after all this time)

JOEL / feb. 19.86. NYC

what is there to say?
now  I’ll never see your face
among a subway crowd
or look up from the Sunday Times
as I walk into the Borgia.
what is there to say?
now that your smile,
your ways, all the things that made you, you
are gone?
I remember you.
how I  loved you.
and hated you.
you broke my heart.
sometimes you weren’t even my friend.
but I was there for you. brought flowers
  smuggled in your favourite
foods . you hardly ever ate but sometimes seemed  grateful for none the less.
 you’d  speak to me then ,
fears , regrets, hate for what you called “that terrorist of love”.
finally letting me in.
and now, today?
 I try to bargain,
saying  “but I was there ” over and over
as if some magic incantation
but somehow all that happens is I cry.



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